New Beginnings ♡

So anybody who knows me knows I never know when to shut up!
I clearly don't understand the term "Think before you Speak"
or
"Too much information"
I swear I have brain vomit & sometimes I even shout at myself (in my head of course) to shut up when i'm rambling and still cant stop myself!
I tell EVERYONE my life story & I have no idea why!
So I thought it only fitting I update my blog with a recent update with my life!
Things seem to be going right for me lately, my future seems set in place...well almost
♡ I have an interview for college to start my Mental Health Nursing
♡ I should hopefully be in my own shiny new home by Easter
♡ I have seen so many of my friends, reconnected with old friends & became a hell of a lot closer to the ones I love most
♡ I'm far more positive - which has been noted in work **Brownie Points**
♡  & I wont say too much but there is a new man in my life

if the past few months have taught me anything it is that no matter what your situation is you will always get to where you want to be no matter what!
fight for what you want!
believe in yourself
dream it and make it happen
♡

The End of the Road ♡

It is always this time of year when our emotions seem to get deeper. We think about loved ones, present & past, those who are no longer with us today & how much we miss them.

So much can happen in a day, a week, a month or a year. We enter every new year with people we didn't know before & we leave people behind that are no longer part of our lives.

Im not a christmas person & as much as I love buying people gifts & of course I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy receiving them too but christmas has become so commercialised. We should use the occasion to celebrate the memories of those closest to us, to spend time with our loved ones or even use the holiday to make somebody else's life that little but better. Im not saying im this huge charitably person that goes around making peoples lives amazing but taking the time to speak to somebody who has noone left, taking 5 minutes of your day to converse with someone who is lonely can make such a big difference in their life. I would love to be able to do more to contribute to the world but really im useless & like right now spend most my life feeling poorly & unable to move. But in working life im a Mental Health Support Worker & when I spend christmas day with my residents & seeing them enjoy their day & hopefully feeling like im somehow part of that reason for their joy makes me feel better! 

It gets to stupid times at night where my head gets so overloaded with words & I just need to get them out, im dosed up with painkillers & bedbound with a kidney & pelvis infection feeling well & truly sorry for myself that my mind desides to drag up the past! Anyone who has the "Timehop" app will get a daily reminder of stupid things they did this time last year or mine goes back 7years, following a recent breakup most of my "memories" involve my ex, dont get me wrong some of them make me smile, others make me laugh & think what the hell was I thinking & then others make me think of all the "what ifs" "what went wrong" "i wish things were different" but thankfully i snap out of that stage & decide to (& fail) write a meaningful blog which turns into me rambling & talking crap till I feel better about myself! But hey who knows there could be one person reading this (if anyone reads this) that feels the same & can relate then my jobs done! If not ive made a public "Dear Diary" entry for you all to ignore!

I must take some more painkillers & try sleep

Goodnight

E  ♡ 

Don't Look Back in Anger....

We learn alot when we break up from a relationship, lose a job, fall out with a friend, it's hard, it hurts like hell & we all believe we have hit rockbottom, but the truth is everything happens for a reason! Pick yourself up, take a deep breath, clear your mind & just look to the future & i guarantee everything will be ok! It just takes time.

This past couple of weeks have been hard but with great support from family, friends and even work collegues i have found my feet, hell i have even found my smile. Last night was a huge stepping stone from me & i finally let go of the past

Onwards & Upwards

Upcycle

                                     

I love keeping myself busy & giving myself wee projects so I decided to spruce up my bedroom!

I couldnt afford new furniture so I gave my stuff a makeover!

I sanded down my 

Wardrobe

Chest of drawers

Bed side cabinet

Mirror

& even my bed

Then painted them with chalk based paint, finished off with some wax & even added a few stickers & some sparkly new handles! 

It was bloody hard work & took about week inbetween work & appointments & alsorts but I love it! 

             

Halle

I had the pleasure of being able to photograph my perfect little cousin!

How cute does she look as a bunny?

I found my smile again...

It's amazing how and where we all find our happiness. For some people its seeing their loved ones smile, a nee pair of shoes, getting that nee job, losing another pound on the scales but for some of us happiness is waking up on a day without the dark cloud, without that anxiety, that fear, that demon! Waking up and actually feeling good and without a care in the world, with a huge in the smile & saying a hugeeee

"Fuck You!!"

To the world! 

We all go through dark times, hard times and times when we just want to give up, some of us can deal with it alot better than others and some well it depends what day it is!

Splitting up from a long serious relationship is never easy at first no matter what the circumstances are but we all find our way of coping.

They say there are 7 stages of a breakup grieving process

1. Desperate For Answers

The drive to know is consuming and can come at the expense of rational thoughts and behaviours. You must understand why this happened, maybe beyond anyone’s ability to explain it. You fixate on things your ex said at various times that you see as contradicting the breakup, and you hold onto them now as if they are gospel. Yet somewhere within, you have moments of clarity, too. You likely swing back and forth between foggy disbelief, the daily, moment by moment rediscovery of the magnitude of your loss, and flashes of painful clarity that of course it’s over. The pain, disorganisation, and confusion can become all you think about, or talk about. But initially, you remain driven to understand what happened, at any cost. The desperation to make sense of something so jarring compels you to debate friends, family, coworkers, even strangers, about why the relationship ended, while you justify to them the reasons it shouldn’t have, as if convincing them it is equal to convincing your ex.

2. Denial

It can’t be true. This isn’t happening! You just cannot be without your ex. It feels like you’ve put everything you are into this relationship. It’s been your world, your life. You cannot accept that it’s over. You funnel every last hope into saving it, even at the expense of your well-being. You postpone your need to grieve its end, because it’s just too painful to face. In so doing, you temporarily derail the grieving process by replacing it with unrealistically inflated hope that the relationship can still be salvaged.

3. Bargaining

You are willing to do anything to avoid accepting it’s over. You’ll be a better, more attentive partner. Everything that’s been wrong, you’ll make right. The thought of being without your ex is so intolerable that you will make your own pain go away by winning him or her back, at any cost. Of course, you’re not logical at this point (and probably shouldn't be operating heavy machinery). You are standing on the edge of what feels like an abyss, trying not to fall into the unknown. You cling to any hope you can, to prevent yourself from losing what you have come to depend on, for better or worse. However, during this phase, when you promise to fix all the problems between you, you are placing the entire burden of repairing, maintaining, and sustaining a relationship onto yourself. It's as if the responsibility is yours and yours alone to make it work this time. Try your hardest during this phase not to lose sight of the fact that both participants in the relationship contributed to its end. You can’t possibly take responsibility for everything. Somewhere inside, you know that.

Bargaining can only briefly distract from the experience of loss. Reality inevitably comes crashing down, over and over again. Further, when you bargain, you are trying to take responsibility for why the relationship doesn't work, which may give you the illusion that you have control over it, perpetuating the belief that it's salvageable as long as you can just keep performing superhuman acts.

4. Relapse

Because the pain is so intolerable, you may actually be able to convince your ex to try again (this may not be the first breakup with this partner). You will temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal. However, despite your best efforts, you will not be able to carry the relationship solo. I'm sorry to say, it probably won’t end well this time, either. Unfortunately, you may need to go through this process of breaking up and reconciling more than once before you're absolutely convinced it's time to let go. 

5. Anger

Initially, you may not be able to connect with feelings of anger. Breaking up plummets you into the unknown, which can evoke immobilizing fear and dread. Fear, at that point, trumps anger. Therefore, when anger sets in, it's because you have let go of some of your fear, at least temporarily. When you’re able to access anger, the experience can actually be empowering—because at the very least there are shades of remembering you matter too, of feeling justified in realizing that you deserve more from a relationship. Depending on your specific temperament, life, and family experiences, as well as your unique breakup, your anger may be directed at your partner, the situation, or yourself. The good news is that your anger, no matter where it’s directed, is meant to empower you, whether you choose to see it that way or not. When anger becomes accessible to you, it can provide direction and create a feeling of aliveness in a world that’s become deadened by loss. It can also remind you that you deserve more. Even anger at yourself, as paralyzing and self-defeating as it may be, is still part of the grieving process. The fact that you are on the trajectory of grieving the loss is a sign that you are working through. It indicates that somewhere within, you are creating enough internal discomfort to help shift your perspective about how the relationship has actually been, and it can compel you to make proactive changes, if you are ready to let it.  

6. Initial Acceptance

This is the kind of acceptance that, when it happens early in the process, can feel more like surrender. You are holding up your end of the breakup because you have to, not because you want to. Either you or your ex has developed enough awareness and control at this point to recognize that you are not meant to be. Over time, this initial, often tenuous acceptance becomes more substantive, as both of you begin to recognize, independently, that there are boundaries that at least one of you must maintain in order for the breakup to stick, because it has to. You are finally grasping that's it’s just not good for you to keep trying anymore.

7. Redirected Hope

You were leveled by the breakup and have had difficulty letting go, in part because it shattered your relationship with hope. As acceptance deepens, moving forward requires redirecting your feelings of hope—from the belief that you can singlehandedly save a failing relationship to the possibility that you just might be okay without your ex. It’s jarring when forced to redirect your hope from the known entity of the relationship into the abyss of the unknown. But this is an opportunity to redirect the life force of hope. Regardless, hope is somewhere in your reserves and you will access it again as you continue to allow some meaningful distance between you and your ex.

The stages of grief that follow any trauma, breakups included, can happen over the course of minutes or even seconds, across days, months, or years, and then switch around without warning, leaving you feeling without foundation, especially in the beginning. You feel alien to yourself or cut off from the world. However, like any emotional amputation, continuing on in life means learning to live without that part of yourself, and finding ways to compensate for its loss. Furthermore, recognize that there is a method, and a structure of sorts to this chaotic grieving process. Knowing that you are not alone can help you ride it out. Your grieving is part of the human condition—without it, we would not be wired the way we are to handle the many pains and losses that occur in our lives. As the grieving process progresses you will begin to see your way through to a point at which you can let go in a more proactive and self-protective way—a way that you may eventually come to understand as a new beginning.

Some people can take weeks, months, years to get through these stages but truthfully i managed all this in a day! Stupid i know especially when you love someone for 2years and your world is crushed in a matter of minutes but you find your way of coping.

I have had unreal amounts of support from friends, collegues, family and i have never felt better about myself in such a long time. Im smiling again, laughing, i have my spark back, people are noticing a difference.

Im happy!!

Some people may think ive moved on to fast, that it wasnt really love, that im just pretending but i feel free! Im back to the old me and i cant wait to see what the future holds!

At the end of the day we all deal with things differently, we all react differently but in all honesty we are all the same, we all hurt, we all grieve but we also all find the strength to carry on.

No matter what you stay strong

Your worth so much more

Until next time

E ♥

Resources https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

Life is a Journey

A guest post from the wonderful Debbie...

Thank you for the invitation to be a guest on your blog.

I can’t remember when I wasn’t writing a letter or waiting on the postman.  I have always had pen pals, as far back as I can remember, and have enjoyed writing snail mail for people across the globe. 

When I moved from the Midwestern state of Wisconsin, 2000 + miles from my family, to the Pacific Northwest, I started writing letters and postcards to stay in touch with family and friends, too.  I try to find just the right card or words to make someone’s day both in family letters and penpals.  

Wouldn’t you agree that words have so much power?  

My wise and wonderful mother, who was so amazing, said that I should never miss an opportunity to tell people what was unique and wondrous about them, or that they have given my life purpose, balance or joy.  My father, an educator and counselor, always says, that life is a journey – in the end, it will matter who and what you take with you, and equally, who and what you leave behind.  In the interim, you should be prepared for roadblocks, U-turns, side street, gravel roads, and paved roadways. What and who you have with you in the end will define you.

It is interesting to think of life as a journey, isn’t it?  

Sociologists say that people don’t say what is on their hearts until a door is closing.  You can live next to a neighbor for 20 years, and it isn’t until they are ready to move away, that you say what is on your heart.  You work with someone for several years and when you find out they are leaving, you talk about what made working with them special.  You can spend a whole week on vacation with your sister, and not until you are ready to board the plane, do you say what her influence has meant to you. You can raise a child, and when that child marries, goes away to school or moves out on their own, you worry that you have not talked about how wonderful and how hard it can be. 

So ….. just before I turned 50 years old, I wrote 50 gratitude letters to people who had influenced my life, and a few apology letters as well.  It sounded like such a wonderful project until I actually started to put the words on paper. In addition to English, I had 7 years of French and 3 years of college Spanish – and still, sometimes there are not words to express what people mean to you. The emotions, pain and gratitude run so deep.  Although it turned out to be a three year project, a wonderful thing came out of it, something I didn’t expect – people answered me with snail mail! 

Those who never write letters took a moment from their daily routine to tell me something that they had never told me about our relationship.  It was overwhelming emotionally at first.  In addition, people didn’t remember the things that I have been feeling guilty about all these years and have been carrying around. Instead, they shared the things about how our lives had intersected that were meaningful to them.

One of my favorite things to do is write a series or cards with a theme or set of quotes.  With coffee cup images, or a set of different cards with a theme, mailed one by one.  I also love to write a letter each day for 18 days, when a niece or nephew turns 18 years old.  In April, I always join the 30 letters in 30 days fun.  This year I wrote 30 letters to one person, each letter describing what she means to the world and what her friendship with me has meant for my life.  The funny thing is, although she too is a snail mailer, she only lives about 15 miles from me.  

People don’t tell the loves of their lives what they appreciate, respect and enjoy about them, or how they have affected their journey.  Snail mail gives you a chance to say what needs to be said and to find ways to bring joy to the lives of others – which comes back to you in wonderful ways.

Such inspiring words from a lovely lady

Thankyou 

E